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Read MoreMy kids have two last names, and they aren't hyphenated, because I don't speak Dutch.
My eldest was born just before Christmas, which meant my husband and I had to register a new baby before the offices closed for the holidays. I'd had a home birth, so some services came right to our door. Early on Christmas Eve, holding a newborn with my milk having just come in, I heard the doorbell ring while my husband was out running one of those administrative errands. It was a visiting nurse, here to check on the baby.
When she asked for the baby's name, I gave it. "With or without a hyphen?" she asked. I had no idea. We hadn't thought about it. I called my husband, who didn't answer. The nurse couldn't wait, she told me, annoyed, in halting English. It was Christmas Eve, and I was her last client of her half day. And since I don't speak Dutch, who was I to argue?
"Without, I guess?" I said. She wrote it down and went on her way. Twenty minutes later my husband called back, and I informed him of the decision I'd made.
I already felt like an alien on a new planet. Matrescence as an expat is a wild ride.
If you haven't heard the term before, matrescence is the developmental transition of becoming a mother. Like adolescence, it brings physical, hormonal, neurological, and emotional changes, along with a shift in identity. It can be a rollercoaster wherever you are in the world, and it doesn't end when your baby starts sleeping through the night. Becoming a mom is an ever-changing experience. If you're far from what you consider "home," it can be an even wilder ride.
Everyone tells you that you need a village. But what if your village is on the other side of the world?
For many expats, that's just reality. You may have grandparents and aunties who would love to help, but they can only visit for a few weeks, or not at all. You scroll past posts about grateful grandparents and feel a pang of jealousy or regret, knowing the most important advice you're given feels impossible to follow.
And it doesn't end when your baby is no longer a baby. So many times I've juggled work, sick kids, and a traveling husband, wishing I had a grandparent down the street I could call to come over.
When my mom visited, she was amazing, but each visit lasted only a few weeks. Finding my footing with her support, and then without it, left me feeling completely lost. After her first visit, she offered to pay for a night nanny, the way her parents had done for her when I was born. The problem was that I had no idea how to find one in Brussels. A quick Google search turned up nothing, and I wasn't yet connected to the moms of social media. If I'd been somewhere I was already established, I probably would have known some older moms who could point me in the right direction. They would even have told me about the subsidized program that sends trained nurses to support moms during the first 12 weeks postpartum. Without that network, I was doing it all alone.
Matrescence changes your identity. How you see yourself changes, and so does how the world sees you. Living abroad can do that on its own. I never considered myself a loud person, but as an American in Brussels, I suddenly felt like one. Not being able to fully communicate in French added to that feeling of being both too loud and never quite heard. And I say this as someone whose first language is English, the default language of many services here. I can only imagine how much harder it is when you're communicating in your second, third, or fourth language.
As my kids have grown and become immersed in French, I'm so grateful they've fully absorbed a second language. But I also feel a pang that they have a whole community, whole sets of friends, that I only live on the edge of. Some of that is just part of motherhood, but adding a language adds complexity.
Expat life means living in between cultures, and navigating that as a new mom can be especially hard. When my first was a baby, born at the start of winter, they screamed every time I put a hat on their head. Since I was usually wearing them, I just zipped them into my jacket, leaving room for their face so they could breathe. It didn't seem like a problem to me. But to the older Belgian ladies, I was clearly a negligent mother. I couldn't get on the bus or tram without being sternly lectured, in French, about my baby's bare head. I wanted to live somewhere old ladies told me how cute my baby was, not everything I was doing wrong. It felt isolating, and like one more way I was failing at being a mom.
As my kids have gotten older, and are constantly "incorrectly" dressed, I've learned that this kind of disapproval is just the Belgian way, and I no longer take it personally. But as an American, I still sometimes feel a small loss when I make eye contact with a stranger looking at my child and they don't immediately smile.
Moments like these can stir up all kinds of emotions. The joy of introducing your baby to your extended family can mix with grief over how far away they are. You may question the decisions that brought you so far from home, or feel envious of moms with different support networks. All of this is a normal part of expat matrescence. As your kids grow, the grief evolves too: gratitude that your children are experiencing a new culture, mixed with the stress and sadness of trying to hold on to your own.
So what can you do?
Find other expat moms. It may not be the village of your dreams, but being surrounded by moms who get it is priceless. Knowing you're not alone eases some of the loneliness of matrescence abroad. It's even better if you can find a mom from your own country, so you can share your challenges in your own language. And give yourself permission to grieve what you're missing. It's real, and it deserves to be felt.
Ask for what you need, and learn where to find it. This is where your network of moms comes in handy. Whether it's a meetup, a yoga class, or a Facebook group, finding the right support takes pressure off doing it all alone. This stays important as your kids grow, when you need advice on after-school activities and last-minute childcare.
Look for the silver lining. I'm not a "good vibes only" person, but I do think that shifting your gaze can help. Becoming a mom in Brussels meant I got paid maternity leave even as an independent worker, home visits from midwives, and affordable childcare. My children are growing up bilingual in a multicultural community.
The good news is that if you're an expat, you're already used to big change. You know what it's like to have an evolving identity and to navigate a world that feels new. Those are exactly the skills matrescence asks of you.
Whether your baby is six weeks old or your kid is six years old, you don't have to figure this out alone.
If this sounded like you, I'd love to have you in the Embodied Motherhood Community. It's a warm, low-cost space for English-speaking moms in Brussels and beyond, where I share mind-body practices and where moms swap stories, recommendations, and the occasional "wait, that happened to you too?" Come find your people: https://embodiedmotherhoodspace.com/community
Not ready to join? Sign up for my newsletter for a dose of matrescence support in your inbox: https://api.leadconnectorhq.com/widget/form/kqkAcFNkdrne3LFclNMX
Matrescence is the term used to describe the developmental stage of becoming a mother. Although it is something that EVERYONE becoming a mother goes through, it is often not discussed and many don’t learn the term till years into motherhood. But don’t worry if that is you! A common misconception about Matresence is it’s only important to know about during pregnancy or the newborn period. The truth is, matrescence isn’t a one time experience, but something that you may experience again and again across your lifetime.
The major changes of early motherhood make matrescence easy to see, at least once someone highlights them. The physical changes and of course the hormonal changes. But the changes in your brain, your priorities and your sense of identity continue to evolve and shift throughout motherhood. And the sense of feeling like you are losing yourself in motherhood, that doesn’t just get a one time fix.
The changes from a baby to a toddler are easy to see, but going from the mother of a newborn to a “toddler mom” also comes with profound shifts. You may have settled into the solitude that often comes with early motherhood, staying home and creating a nest for you and your baby. Having a mobile active toddler can change all that, and your sense of yourself within motherhood can feel very different when you are chasing a 2 year old down a busy street.
Going back to work, or making the choice not to, also brings up these questions of identity, where do you exist inside and outside of motherhood? How do you find yourself in the overload of parenting one or more children, maintaining a career and nurturing other relationships? Returning to work you may find that your priorities have changed, or others view you differently than they did before you became a mom. Navigating these shifts, and maintaining yourself in the process, is all part of the matrescence journey.
As your children become older and gain more independence you may again find yourself going through a matrescence. Your role of mother may mean something different to them, yourself and society. For many modern mothers this shift may be accompanied by their own menopause, 2 developmental stages crashing externally and internally. This could of course be the topic of an entire article, so I will pause here to say it is not uncommon to be balancing these 2 developmental stages, and the identity shifts that come with them, at the same time.
Many moms experiencing these transitions think something is wrong with them, when the truth is it is actually a normal process that no one has named for them. As matrescence education has gained more popularity (yay!) we’ve begun to highlight the changes and challenges mothers experience in early motherhood. But the truth is these changes, especially the identity shifts and the sense of losing yourself in motherhood, continue on throughout motherhood. And just like early motherhood moms deserve support.
That support isn’t going to look the same as early postpartum support. This is less about physical recovery or someone doing your laundry while you nap (though that would still be amazing) but more about identity, nervous system regulation and managing relationships. Tricks and tools to help you continue to find yourself no matter what stage of motherhood you are in.
If this is calling to you take a look at the upcoming workshop I am hosting all about restoring vitality in motherhood. Or set up a free insight call to tell me more about where you are on your motherhood journey and learn how I can help you reestablish your identity and find more balance in your life. You don’t need to be a new mom to need and deserve this support.
We joke about "mom brain," but becoming a mom really does change your brain. It grows, its neural connections shift and strengthen, and the way you see the world gets refocused. That change has a name: matrescence.
So what is matrescence? It's the developmental stage of becoming a mother. Like adolescence, matrescence is a complete shift, not just to your body, but to your hormonal system, your neurological system, and your entire identity: how you see the world, and how the world sees you. Also like adolescence, you go in as one person and come out the same person, but somehow different. Unlike adolescence, though, matrescence isn't talked about, at the time of writing, the term isn't even in most dictionaries.
When I mention it in my postpartum classes, it's often the first time a mom has heard the word. And yet every mother, no matter how she entered motherhood, experiences matrescence. So what's going on?
Once a baby is born, the focus turns almost entirely to the baby, and moms are expected to "bounce back, physically and emotionally, into a completely new role. Not knowing exactly who you are anymore, not sure where the "you" from before went, feeling like you've lost yourself: all of that is completely normal. It's just rarely named.
Matrescence isn't the same as postpartum depression, anxiety, or other mood disorders, those are real, serious mental health concerns. Matrescence is something every mother goes through, and it doesn't have to be negative. Like adolescence, people experience it differently: some hated the teen years, some loved them. But whatever it feels like for you, support helps.
Part of that support is simply naming it. Knowing that what you're feeling has a name, and more research behind it than ever before ,can be a relief on its own. From there, understanding what's actually happening (the rewired brain, the hormonal shifts, the changed worldview) is the next step. And knowing you're not alone matters too: that sense of losing yourself is something nearly every mother has felt at some point. Connecting with other moms going through it is one of the most grounding things you can do.
If you want more support in motherhood, join my newsletter and follow me on Instagram for motherhood education, and be the first to know about an upcoming matrescence event.
I’m thrilled to announce a change to my Prenatal and Postnatal yoga class format starting this September! Instead of drop-in classes, I will now be offering structured 4-week courses for both prenatal and postnatal yoga. This new format will help us build a stronger community, deepen our practice, and tailor the sessions to meet your evolving needs.
Brussels is a big and diverse city and many of us are here without a traditional village of support, building a supportive community is more important than ever. By committing to a 4-week course, you’ll have the opportunity to dive deeper into crucial topics like preparing for birth, managing energy levels, and addressing the physical and emotional changes that come with motherhood. I love the idea of our cohorts growing and learning together, creating lasting connections and support networks.
In addition, I am excited to incorporate my psychology training, specializing in matrescence (the transition to motherhood), and my doula experience into these classes. This integration will provide a more comprehensive support system, addressing both the mental and physical aspects of your journey.
To kick things off, I’m offering a free meet and greet trial for both classes on September 2.
Prenatal Yoga: 12:00-13:00
Postnatal Yoga: 10:30-11:30
This is a wonderful opportunity to meet me, get a feel for the class, and connect with other moms and moms-to-be. Please contact me to register for this free event.
September 9: Intro & Mind-Body Practice
September 16: Low Back & Shoulders
September 23: Pelvic Floor & Posture
September 30: Yoga for Birth
September 9: Intro & Matrescence
September 16: Low Back, Shoulders & Chest
September 23: Core & Posture
September 30: Pelvic Floor & Energy
By shifting to a 4-week format, we can:
Build Community: You’ll have more time to get to know each other, share experiences, and support one another as you grow into pregnancy and motherhood.
Deepen Our Practice: Each week builds on the previous session, allowing us to go deeper into our yoga practice and address specific needs.
Tailored Support: With a set group, I can better understand and address your individual and collective needs throughout the course.
The postnatal classes will always include dedicated time for community support and sharing. It’s a space where you can connect with other moms, share your journey, and find encouragement.
Everyone enrolled in these courses will also get access to our exclusive WhatsApp group. This will be a space to ask questions, share insights, and stay connected between classes.
I’m so excited about this new format and the opportunity it brings for us to grow together. If you’re expecting, or if you’ve recently welcomed a baby into your life, these classes are designed to support you physically, emotionally, and mentally.
Mark your calendars for Mondays in September, and let’s embark on this journey together!
Prenatal Yoga: Mondays, 12:00-13:00
Postnatal Yoga: Mondays, 10:30-11:30
Feel free to reach out if you have any questions or need more information. I can’t wait to see you on the mat!
Emily Gold is a Yoga Therapist & Teacher based out of Brussels, Belgium. Emily is trained in a variety of yogic modalities including Hatha, Yin, Prenatal and Postnatal Yoga and Womb Yoga. She weaves these modalities to create practices and teachings that are gentle and accessible, focusing on acceptance, growth and healing.
